COLUMN: Christmas Stress Test
By Ryan Lengsfeld
Christmas Stress Test
With the Holiday Season ahead of us I worry about my ability to survive it one more time. It will take almost a full month to recover from the excessive eating, the revitalizing visits, the frantic shopping and the compulsive decorating.
The repetitive experience of Christmas stress makes the holiday just a little bit harder to bear each year. In an effort to help revellers keep track of stress levels, the following test has been devised. The resulting score will help determine the chances of the subject surviving the holidays.
Holiday Stress Test
Score 3 if the description applies often or always.
Score 2 if the description applies regularly.
Score 1 if the description applies sometimes.
Score 0 if the description applies never.
1. You are dreading your third annual throw-up-on-Santa visit with your 5-year-old.
2. You seriously considering running a rum–eggnog into the intravenous drip that you have been using for coffee up until now.
3. Your son’s kidney/rib protector has become a required piece of clothing before you head out to do Christmas shopping.
4. There is a rising urge to punch out the next boozy Charity Santa who rings a hand bell in your face.
5. The cats litter box contains lumps that are threaded with multiple strands of tinsel.
6. Your fingerprints have been removed by excessive use of cellophane tape on Christmas presents.
7. You regularly change Christmas Carol lyrics into obscene variations.
8. You believe that Christmas Cheer is a long, loud raspberry.
9. You are serving the same Christmas Cake to company that you use as a doorstop the other months of the year.
10. On Christmas Eve you hide in the bushes with a hunting rifle hoping to fill your freezer with fresh venison.
11. When you tire of waiting for the reindeer you are increasingly tempted to shoot out your neighbour’s Christmas Lights.
Add your score and see below for an explanation.
30 – 33 – Welcome to my world !! Either your maximum level of stress has been reached or you are the ultimate Christmas Redneck. If the latter is true the holidays have no more impact on you than the rest of the year.
20 – 29 – Your stress level is high but there is definitely more room for Grinching in your holiday.
10 – 19 – Fence sitting will get you nowhere. Either apply for Sainthood or get on with the program.
0 – 9 – A home with tremendous peace and serenity. Please forward your address so that I can make arrangements to spend the holiday with you and yours.
