OP/ED: The post-childbirth fun no one ever warns you about
By Christine Esovoloff
WARNING: If you are offended by graphic descriptions of private body parts, please stop reading now and move on to any other article on our site.
A few of my friends have reached the stage in their life where they’ve begun to want children. They are in their 30s now and excited to start a family of their own, to hear the pitter-patter of little feet running down their hallways.
What are they thinking?! Have they not been reading my columns?!
Just kidding. I love kids, cute little buggers.
And I get it. The whole ticking biological clock thing … I’ve been there. Every once in a while, I even find myself wanting to do it again. (That’s when my husband runs away screaming.) But feeling a life growing inside of you, that moment when you look down and gaze into your child’s eyes for the first time, that sweet smell of a baby’s head – it’s all pretty magical. And I was blessed with two amazing boys, for whom I will always be grateful.
Okay, now that we’ve been over the romantic part, let’s just cut right to the crap now, shall we? Let’s talk post-birth body changes.
Now, of course, one cannot expect to grow a human being inside of them, and gain 35 pounds without it changing a thing or two.
And, for the most part, society tries to be forthcoming about what is to be expected after housing a human being in your body for 40 weeks and then squeezing it out of one of your most delicate orifices. They tell us that it will hurt and they tell us about the stretch marks that will never go away BUT there is a small list of things that no one likes to share.
Now whether it is because these facts are embarrassing, or because they fear that women will become so horrified that they will stop breeding and the human race will go extinct – I don’t know. But, as a columnist, I believe it is a part of my job to keep the public informed, so I am going to share this little list with you. (You’re welcome!)
First, I think we should discuss ‘gorilla lips’ – this is what I affectionately nick-named my lady bits directly after giving birth. Why I thought it would be a good idea to check the area out with a handheld mirror, I have no clue. But I did, and what I saw was something that should have belonged to 400 pound Silverback. It was huge, purple, swollen, and angry looking. Prepare yourselves, moms-to-be, prepare yourselves.
Don’t worry, it doesn’t last forever, eventually the area settles down to something more orangutan size and then (thank God!) back to normal. However, although it slowly regains its initial aesthetic appeal, there are other things that will have you concerned. The time will come when you want to ‘use’ the lady bits again (if you know what I mean, wink wink). And there will be two things that will terrify you about this situation; number one, you will be worried that the little rendezvous will be painful (squeezing a human being out of there is traumatizing and the first time back in the saddle again can be frightening) and number two; you will be scared that your partner will find the big moment similar to throwing a hot dog down a hallway. But don’t worry; your man will be so relieved to just be allowed near the area again that he won’t care. And fear not, the hotdog hallway can easily be remedied by doing your kegels, do those every day and that sucker will spring right back into shape in no time!
Okay, now that I’ve thoroughly scarred you, let’s move up north of the border and discuss what’s going to happen to your breasts. Now, immediately post baby, those suckers are going to blow up like giant balloons! I’m talking ‘make Pamela Anderson look like an A-cup’ kinda big. They will be rock hard, shiny, and they will hurt like mad, BUT on the upside, you will look like a porn star which will distract you from the gorilla that’s taken up residence in your pants. Don’t get too excited, though, because after your milk regulates and your baby begins sucking you dry, you will be left with two wrinkly empty bean bags. So enjoy the Pam Anderson look while you can. My husband recommends taking some photos because the memories will, unfortunately, fade with time.
Wait, there’s more! We haven’t even touched on the issue of varicose veins … or hemorrhoids, for that matter. You didn’t think that all that pressure and pushing wouldn’t have consequences did you?! That’s right, as if it wasn’t bad enough already, your legs will look like they’re being attacked by a horrible blue anaconda. Brings a whole new kind of sexy to short season, let me tell you.
Yup, it’s awful … but here’s the thing – it’s worth it. It’s all actually worth it.
As I sit here at my computer with memories of gorilla lips all too fresh in my head, with my empty shrunken tube sock boobs nestled neatly in my lap, listening to my children squabble and wipe their noses on everything, I can’t help but feel my heart swell with pride. After all, I earned it. I earned all of it! So it is with that, that I send you forth into the world, ready for birth. You are prepared now; you have all the information you need. Embrace all the beauty that motherhood brings – the ape in your pants, the sad sickly boobs, the snake-attacked legs …
Or, just print this column and keep it by your bed for birth control.
Your call.
