Claus takes heat for global warming
By Kyra Hoggan
Just hours away from his most important day of the year, Santa Claus (aka St. Nicholas, Father Christmas) is stressed, according to sources close to the North Pole.
A senior North Pole official, who asked to remain unnamed, told The Source yesterday that Claus is feeling the pressure of delivering a white Christmas while going green. “Environmental stewardship comes with unique challenges in this part of the world,” said the source, who serves as Educational Literature Foreman (E.L.F.) within the Claus organization. “Global warming impacts us more directly than most – it’s expensive and time-consuming, rescuing all those polar bears set adrift on melting ice floes. But we can’t just leave them there, now can we? “And that’s just the tip of a much larger (ahem) iceberg.” He said Claus has always been a respectful steward of his purview, but comparatively new information is calling age-old methodologies into question. “No one knew about greenhouse gas emissions 100 years ago,” he said. “Consider how much food a team of 12 reindeer needs to circumnavigate the globe in a single night – then consider the methane production that represents.” He said Claus has spent time he could ill-afford trying to devise a method of capturing that methane to use as fuel to offset what have become sky-high heating costs. “It’s not enough he has to learn how to make MP3 players and video game consoles, now he has to develop expertise in every arena in which we leave a carbon footprint – that’s a lot of technology for a guy with that much white in his beard, if you see what I’m saying.” In a rare telephone interview this morning, Claus himself confirmed that stewardship has become a top priority for his regime, but denied allegations that environmental efforts have distracted him from his primary Christmas Eve mandate. “There are always extraneous concerns – that’s just part of accepting a management gig,” he said. “We had to work through industrialization, globalization, feminism … and how about the year the reindeer unionized – don’t get me started,” he said. “Of course it’s challenging. For example, we generate tonnes of compost, but don’t have a lot of garden space that isn’t frozen solid,” he said, explaining that, while compost is hugely valuable, it’s not something most people would enjoy finding in their stockings Christmas morning. “We tried that once, and people took it all wrong,” he said. “Lesson learned.” He said the answer to this sort of dilemma is often to rediscover what once seemed to be antiquated solutions. “Well, with the compost, we barter,” he said. “There are plenty of local farmers who are happy to trade us produce for our primo, organic compost/fertilizer. It cuts back on our grocery bills, reduces our waste levels, and promotes healthy food crops for years to come – everyone wins.” The methane conundrum has not, he admits, been so easy to solve – apparently one of the reindeer filed a grievance after being sucked bottom-first into a fuel-capture vat, requiring rescuers to don HasMat gear to fish him out. “Yeah, we don’t like to talk about that,” Claus said. “It’s beside the point – the point is, of course we still have a carbon footprint, and sometimes our solutions are more problematic than the problems themselves. “But we take responsibility, and we keep trying until we find an answer that fits,” he said. “That’s the take-home message for the boys and girls out there – we all do our little bit, and if at first we don’t succeed … well, in this case, the reindeers get a hefty raise.” Claus concluded the interview by assuring The Source that none of the efforts being made to retro-fit the North Pole will in any way negatively impact his ability to discharge his Christmas duties in a timely and jolly manner. The Castlegar Source would like to wish you and yours the happiest of holidays, and a joyful and prosperous 2012.
