Gold City Rollers: Gnarlie's Angels versus the Babes of Brutality

Roller girls--photo by Ben Olsen

 The new arena roof is pretty stellar.  You’ve probably seen it from the outside by now, all metal sheathed, sleek, smooth and buttoned up tight.  It’s gorgeous. The inside is great, too, and it was the ceiling I found myself studying last night (Tuesday, Aug. 17) as our local Rossland roller derby team, “Gnarlies’ Angels”, and visitors from Salmo “Babes of Brutality” went through their respective pre-clash stretching regimen. Yow.

Consisting mostly of calf, hip-flexor, quad and hamstring stretches (or so I’m told- it’s not like I was watching from my perch in the bleachers like some perv, or hawk, or pervy hawk), limbering up is an indispensable component of sound roller derby conditioning and practice. 

And this particular meeting was a practice, a scrimmage, really.  All the participating ladies brought a white shirt and a black shirt, and rather than have the teams go head to head, R-Town vs. Salmo (aka “Salmon” in the olden days), the teams were organized so that the two groups, arch nemeses as they are, were intermingled into Ralmo and Sossland agglomerations.  That is, the teams were mixed together so as to make it a slightly less heated and hostile environment.  As if!

Boy, I don’t know if it was just me but it got hot under the collar in there even before the “jams” (2 minute rounds fought one after the other) got rolling.  Nobody else in the crowd, consisting almost exclusively of husbands/spouses, significant others, moms and kids seemed to find it hot.  Maybe familiarity with the competing ladies in a domestic sphere, an intimate knowledge of their off-rink personas keeps the old internal mercury low… or maybe it was my fevered scribbling of notes that had me feeling the burn.

I struggled to transcribe Jorge’s abbreviated explanation of the rules to me while his wife Virginia (aka “T’Killa Chica”) prepped to put a hurting on the opposing team.  Pablo, Jorge and Virginia’s son, was keen to explore the rest of the arena, so Jorge’s delivery was rapid-fire, sports announcer concise, the whole roller derby vibe leant an even more exotic flavour courtesy of Jorge’s awesome delivery; If I was a guy keen on impressing the ladies, or say, catching the interest of a roller derby girl, I would totally rip off Jorge’s accent.

Roller Derby is similar to a speed-skating relay with a few major differences, the foremost being that contact is encouraged.  Blocking, hip-checking, butt-thrusting, leaning on-in to squeeze your opponents off the track, it’s all fair game, and, while hair-pulling, elbowing and scratching are not permitted, it’s fair to say that sometimes “it happens;” a dedicated handful of referees, scorekeepers and time-keepers make sure things don’t get out of hand, though, or turn into clenched fists, penalized players made to serve their time in, yes, the penalty box. 

Speaking with volunteer ref John Marion, aka “Ref Jah’som” (I know! Even the refs have codenames!), I got the low-down on the reasons for the evening’s proceedings and what becoming a roller derby ref entails. 

Because this friend of mine was curious about that.  Maybe becoming a referee.  For roller derby.

“Tonight is all about practice and safety,” John explained.  “We’re getting the kinks out so that when we have the official bout September 12th we’re calling things properly.” 

Local bike and ski tech celebrity Rory Belter was also in attendance, Belter’s former speed-skating background drawing the attention of organizers to his on-rink proficiency and possible aptitude for refereeing at the big event.  It must be nice to be headhunted.

Belter was impressed with the event but hesitant to commit to coming onboard as a certified Canadian Women’s Flat-Track Roller Derby Association referee.  Seated in the bleachers, Belter and I were further wowed by the rules and responsibilities John and others like him uphold.

“There’s a 40 page rule book,” John nodded, his eyes widening. “And three pages of those are just hand signals.”

And the refs are on skates the whole time, too.  That, suggested Belter, could be a potential deal-breaker for him; men’s size thirteen roller skates are not in big supply. 

Meanwhile, John and two other refs readied themselves for the scrimmage as the competitors changed into their appropriately coloured t-shirts.  The scrimmage was about to start, and all I could think of was the music played in the famous Star Trek, Kirk vs. Spock gladiatorial match. The roller derby experience is definitely augmented by a good soundtrack. 

Music came on intermittently as the teams, five per side per jam, took to the track, the remainder of the teams chomping at the bit on the bench.  Soon it would be their turn. 

Adding to the tinny cacophony of House of Pain’s irritatingly catchy "Jump Around" and the squeals of proud, sidelined offspring were the custom cowbells wielded by derby enthusiasts in the lower stands.  These were serious fans, and serious super-fans need serious noisemakers.  No vuvuzelas here.  Dang, what a racket.  Christopher Walken would be proud.  

Each two-minute jam/round has ten players involved, five skaters per side (bigger teams with more players sometimes do eight per side, but the scene here is just developing). Of those five skaters a side, there are 3 committed blockers, 1 pivot (kind of a shepherd or captain of the blockers- the leader of the pack), and 1 jammer.

The objective of the jammer is to pass all of the competing team’s blockers and pivot intact.  Once the jammer has passed the entirety of the competing team once, passing them a second time around results in points being accrued, 1 per opposing player passed a second time over.  Pass them three times, four times in a round, and the points just keep adding up- I think.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure on that point.  I found a good little explanation of the rules on Youtube.

Now, the aim of the blockers is to of course block the competing team’s jammer.  That’s where things get rough.  Helmets are mandatory, kneepads and elbow pads a must, and wrist guards are highly recommended.

Another piece of equipment whose use I didn’t pick up on right away was a mouth-guard; I just assumed the black I was seeing indicated a mouth devoid of teeth.  But these ladies aren’t hockey players… although some of them are.  Which isn’t to say they’re necessarily more or less elegant or equivalently brutal.  Uhm… They’ve got skills, that much is for sure, and when they lace up their skates they hip-check their lady-like tendencies off the track; these are derby girls, wild women of the roller rink.

There were some punishing hits right off the bat, and some equally deft footwork on the part of the designated jammers.  As a film-geek, I’d love to mount a helmet cam on some the skaters to really get that in-the-thick-of-the-scrum embedded journalism type stuff. 

Too bad the Angels weren’t around to lay a beating on Rick Mercer when he was in town.  Formed back in April, the team draws skaters from Trail and Rossland (rec and wreck fees waived) together as a kind of rolling sorority.  Currently, the only two official teams in the West Kootenays are in fact the Gnarlies and the Babes.  Rumours abound regarding the inception of a Nelson-based team and a Beaver Valley crew, too, but the upcoming match September 12^th will serve as a real barometer of local interest and support.  Aspiring roller folk, come on out. 

In support of their effort to stage the main event bout September 12^th (a perfect ending to Golden City Days, perhaps?), Gnarlies’ Angels are looking to drum up a few dollars to cover liability insurance, venue costs and the like.  With help from the Flying Steamshovel, team member Patchouli Punch is excited to host of-age Rosslanders at the ‘Shovel on August 27^th. 

“Tickets are $15.00.  That gets you a burger and a pint, and live entertainment, too.”

 Your favourite skaters Red Rocks, Injure Spice, Fracture Line, and more will all be available for autograph signing.  Don’t miss out as tickets are limited.

Tickets for the fundraiser can be purchased in advance from Ross Vegas, Gerick’s (Trail location), Black Russian (Castlegar), Phat Angel (Nelson), Skyway Hardware (Salmo), and The Goods (Ymir).  The Angels hope to see you there.  For more information, you can find them on Facebook where you can keep up on their search for a winter venue as ice hockey returns to the freshly roofed arena (suggestions and help towards locating a new spot to roll through the winter months are appreciated).

 Yes, roller derby. “Sexy Tuff,” Gnarlies’ Angels call it.  Patchouli Punch (and you know the Nelson girls are going to be choked that name is already taken) showed me her knee with the chipped patella to drive the point home; it’s a lovely knee, sexy even, and the injury to it “tuff” enough.  I am inclined to agree with ‘Choulis summation, and give it a resounding “awright.”

Roller derby… Looks so fun, I’d almost consider going drag…  But what would I call myself? 

Check out some of the great registered derby names ladies are sporting at http://www.cwrda.ca/rollergirls.html  Makes the old Rossland mines' names look tame and downright boring.