COMMENT: Just say ‘n-n-no’ to Halloween

We put years and years of time, effort, and money into raising and educating our young. It’s thankless work and even after all our efforts there’s no guarantee that those we give birth to will ever prove worthy of our sacrifices. So parenting is a big proposition--and one fraught with risk at the best of times. And yet, despite all this, most of us are more than happy to have these risks multiply exponentially for one night each year....Halloween.

Each fall we hear whispered rumours of razor blades in candy and strangers lurking in the dark, waiting to bear our precious offspring off into the woods, but these imagined horrors are mere urban folktales: no child has ever been killed by poisoned candy and there has never been, to our knowledge, a Halloween stranger abduction in this country.

At the same time, well-meaning editorials advise us to stay near our kids as they “trick or treat”, to make sure they wear brightly-coloured clothing, and so forth. Safety is always a concern, of course, but most children manage to get through Halloween unscathed.

All this “well-meaning” advice does us a disservice, however; it distracts us from where our attention should be fixed: squarely upon the supernatural.

Consider this. How can a simple razor blade buried in an apple compare to the needle-sharp fangs of a vampire thirsting for blood or the claws of a werewolf under the full moon (only two nights ago, doubting Rosslanders! Take note!)? How can simple stranger abduction compare with having our progeny snatched by the rotting fingers of the undead and dragged to the very gates of Hades?

Or take the nefarious Sasquatch, a well-documented local resident of supernatural descent. It’s not for us to speculate as to whether or not the fabled ‘Bigfoot’ is actually a species of werewolf, but we can observe how these creatures--most of the year--avoid our streets. After all, have you ever seen one? They are clearly canny enough creatures to know that a single (silver?) bullet from a conservation officer is likely to prove their undoing if they  are ever mistaken for a bear.

But not on Halloween. On Halloween a sasquatch can almost blend in, can be easily mistaken for the hirsute tree planter down the road out on a beer-fuelled spree.

On Halloween, the sasquatch is free to wreak its havoc upon our young.

And the conservation officer? He or she is busy--applying reflective tape to princess dresses or picking through a bag of liquorice in search of needles.

Werewolves, vampires, Teen-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles, demons, and zombies (have you seen the hit television show “Walking Bad”--about meth-crazed zombies with serious deportment issues?): all these vile creatures are free to wander our streets unmolested for this one night each year.

Sound almost too perfect? It’s likely no coincidence that while parents are obsessing over sharp pieces of metal and trip-worthy hemlines the real threat goes unaddressed, the real ghouls are left alone. One has to wonder who’s behind such a campaign of disinformation.

Until real answers are forthcoming, all right-thinking Rosslanders are advised to keep their children locked up at home, dressed--if they must dress up--as harmless rabbits or penguins, munching contentedly upon carrots or raw fish. Let them amuse themselves thusly for an hour or two then put them to bed, lock the doors, turn off the lights, and--above all--don’t look out the window.

You might not like what you see out there in the light of the moon.